"Gerald Ford, dead today at the age of [9]3."

Am I the only one who giggled about that when I read it in the news? It was, of course, the first thing that popped into my head when I read the headline yesterday morning. Such is the life of the woman raised by cable television. I later tried to find the video, came across the transcript, and FINALLY found the video. I sent it to a few people, including my roomie, who, as I predicted, quite enjoyed it. When I got home, NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams was on, and who do you think they pick to do the retrospective on Gerald Ford? Why, Tom Brokaw, of course. We sat watching and hoping...just hoping that he would say "Gerald Ford, dead today at the senseless age of 93," but no such luck.

Ok, so I don't know HTML well enough to make it look pretty yet, but here's the link.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-89770458144460734&q=SNL+Gerald+Ford

I was clever enough to remember it myself, but apparently not clever enough to be the first person to post it on Fark.com, sometime in the middle of the night before his death was announced.

So now that I've run that one into the ground...

Has there always been some unwritten rule that old people get to say whatever it is that they want, even if it's completely ignorant and bigoted? Do we let them get away with it because they're on death's door? Or is it to feign "respect for elders"? I was recently told by a coworker, who is easily in his sixties, that I looked better as a brunette. I also sit next to another woman who is in her late sixties, who pretty much says whatever she wants, including things like, "What an ugly couple". She's been at the company for many more years than I, so I just smile and nod.
I've also been present at a meal where my grandmother tried to explain the proper marital arrangement by comparing it to "a chief and an indian"...and yes, we were in public. It was lovely. When I explained how ridiculous this was to Connie, she, of course, didn't get it, because that is how she was raised. For fuck's sake.

No worries about the old guy though. Punk. I got my revenge when I announced in his presence that Rommy, governor of Massachusetts, was a fascist, because of his plans to run his presidential campaign including a national ban on gay marriage. I noticed his face contort and picked up the "old-school conservative" vibe pretty fast. Hehe.

"Year Without a Santa Claus", WTF?

I cannot express to you my deep dismay that Studio 60 wasn't on Monday, because NBC clearly lost some alcohol-induced bet and were coerced into airing a LIVE ACTION "Year Without a Santa Claus". That is the only explanation I can think of. It's not as if the original claymation version was not good enough. And they didn't even do anything cool with Harvey "Heat Miser" Fierstein and make his residence a gay disco with "hotties" dancing about. It looked TERRIBLE from the commercials-- I can only assume it was supposed to be children's programming (either that or for the same demo of people who find the questions on 1 vs. 100 difficult) , but what the hell was it doing on from 9-11 pm on a MONDAY. Kids aren't even on vacation yet. It's so sad that schlock replaced a show whose chief premise is that networks should have some sort of programming integrity.

Alrighty then...taking a poll: Should I send NBC a strongly-worded letter? If I do, will you?

"I know this obsession with thinness is unhealthy and anti-feminist, but that's what a fat girl would say."

Ok, I'm back, and my first order of business is to assert the utter perfection of The Simpsons. It is the greatest show on television, hands down.

Am I on Crazy Pills, or are all of the movies that are coming out now utterly syrupy and over the top? I thought this was when all of the Oscar-contender-type movies were supposed to come out. What about that new Matthew McConaughey movie? How many times are they gonna remake "Hoosiers" anyway? And then there's the new Will Smith. Sorry. I don't wanna go see a movie that makes me cry watching the preview. Lemme guess: Is there a scene in the movie where the cute little boy with the welled-up eyes and the cracking voice looks at his dad and asks, "But why did she have to die?" You guys have to let me know.

I'm very pleased that The Office is on tonight. It's like someone planted a camera in my head and watched my workday. The only difference is the boss situation. Everything else is exactly the same. But the names have been changed to protect the innocent. Needess to say I have gone online and ordered Dunder Mifflin mugs for some of my coworkers for Christmas. I would come home and tell my roomie, who writes for the telly, the stories from my work, and he would say to me, "You realize you work in The Office, don't you?" It makes me happy that the nation can watch my pain and laugh at it with me. The only sad thing is that I realize my life can be and has been reduced to 22 minutes a week. What the hell else am I doing with my time?...Playing Bejeweled I guess. It's like Crack, Man. Really.

Ok, that's all for now.
Love you guys.

"Why should I have to change MY name. HE'S the one who sucks."

My friend, Bananas sent that quote to me in an email. It made me think about Norman, and that perhaps I should adopt that attitude with him. It would be interesting. But I do like my new name. I think it's pretty. So there.

The day was interesting. I keep having these "Office Space" deja-vu moments at work, like, "didn't this happen to me once before? Oh, no. This is just like in that movie." Yesterday was the January Birthdays Cake Day, where everyone sings the half-assed version of "Happy Birthday" and all the names run together..."Happy BIRTHday, dear BobShawnRandyBlahBlah", they get a huge piece of frosting with cake on the side, and then they leave the remnants (cake, of course), all mushed together, on the table in the office lounge, just as though they were 5 years old.

Today I ended up in this situation I realized I never even agreed to-- going to buy flowers and arranging them to put out in the office for the big client coming in tomorrow. One of my coworkers tried to coerce me into getting my ass to the flower mart at 6 in the morning tomorrow, and doing the "arranging", which is, by the way, NOT IN MY FUCKING JOB DESCRIPTION, before work. I'm relatively new there, so I didn't know if it would be rude to say, "SHUT YOUR FUCKING FACE, UNCLE FUCKER." Thankfully I work right outside my boss' office, so all I had to do was turn around in my chair with a look of shock and awe and she came to my rescue. Thank Christ. Not ALL people suck.

I got a text message today that my girlfriend is in labor...was in labor. One down. I have about half a dozen friends who are pregnant right now, which I think is strange, only because I didn't imagine when I was younger that everyone would be having kids at the exact same time. I also didn't realize that we would have such different priorities. By no means do I criticize. I'm just surprised, that's all. I haven't heard anything from my friend OR her family since about 11am. I hope she's alright. I will be PISSED if they wait to tell me until next week about the baby. I'd drive up there myself, 400 miles, and get back my damned "Mazeltov" Zabar's basket, and eat it on the drive home. The whole effin thing. Even the coffee grounds.

Ooooh. What a day. Ok, kids. That's all.

Love,
Marvin

Finally!

It only took me a bloody hour to come up with a Screen Name that no one else had thought of. I guess that's why I was always so good at Family Feud.

I'm tired. I'm going to bed. Let's hope I don't forget my sodding password.