Oceans

I'm home on a Saturday night after plans shit the bed...can plans do that? I don't know. I learned the expression from someone from New England. Anyway...home eating my favorite disgusting fast food nastiness...Del Taco. Mmmm, mmmm, nasty. I love it.
Oceans 13 is ending. Damn what an awful movie. I don't know what I was expecting, really, after what I consider to be arguably the best remake (11 of course) ever. It would've been near-impossible to live up to my expectations after that. Seeing Bernie Mac again made me sad. I keep forgetting that he's died. I did that a lot with my friend Judy, who had the cancer. I quote her all the time now. "You are so FUNNY Judy!" She didn't regularly refer to herself in the third person...she was a comedienne, who once did the best routine about how she got into the cult. YOU know. It was 15 years ago...DAMN I'm old...and we had it on video tape. We must have watched it like a thousand times. The tape also has Bob Odenkirk doing the oddest, funniest routine I think I've ever seen him perform, and Julia Sweeney when she was first writing all of her "And God Said Ha" stuff-- if you ask me MUCH more earnest and clever than the way it ended up in her show all put together. We had like 8 copies of that tape, and Sparkle lent them all out to different people, and now there are none. It makes me sad, but I have hope that we'll find one-- just one-- again, in time to convert it to dvd and show everyone how great Judy, and Julia, and Bob were circa 1994.

Quickie

I'm supposed to go to Sparkle's house and walk with Edie, but I'm tired and I SOOOOOO don't want to. I drank a Diet Red Bull earlier, when I started scrubbing the tub, but I'm not getting the up-and-at-'em results I'd hoped for. Instead I have the snarky bitchy bitterness that I used to get about 45 minutes after I drank Frappucinos from the bottle. I'm paranoid and ridiculous, but I'm trying to be good and not do or say anything I regret. Notice, I didn't say "not say anything I don't mean". I usually mean what I say, I just didn't intend to say it. Even in the heat of a battle. I don't think very highly of my own criticism, and therefore don't feel the need to be obnoxious about it...at least...not ALL the time. While those of you who read this might think I'm pretty much an open book, you have NO IDEA how much I bite my lip. Sad, huh?

Went back to Whale Watchers today, during lunch. There's one meeting downtown that meets 3 times a week in this weird empty retail space. Oy. I thought I was really making an effort this last week, keeping track and exercising, but I don't think I lost any weight between the time I weighed myself at home last week and when I weighed in today. Bummer.

So before I go, I've been considering joining some sort of Mennonite community. I wouldn't have to worry about the size of my ass, or having a designer purse, or being coy, or getting my kid a PS3 and a cell phone and an IPod. Life is simpler there. Hard work is good. Plus they have fried chicken. And full-fat butter. Heaven, right? The only hesitation I'd have are the beards--yeah, not turned on by the beards...and the whole God thing. Yeah...not so much. I mean that's fine and good, but I think God is a personal thing. I don't think it should be compulsory.

Fuck You and Your 5K

What is it about this time of year and the 10Ks/Marathons/bike-a-thons/triathlons for charity. Why have I gotten like 7 requests for sponsorship in the last month? Is it the rush to get more tax write-offs before the end of the year? Is it the cooler weather? I dunno, but I've decided that I don't have nearly enough money to make all these people happy, and that sucks. Not the part about making people happy...the part about not having enough money. I should add this little tidbit to my manual. I'm making it official here: If you're not willing to put in enough effort for at least 26.2 miles, I can't help you...at least not right now. Ask again in February. I'll think about it. I still have the holidays to worry about, too. The goddamn holidays.

Thought I was just hungry...

But I've eaten and I still hate EVERYONE. Ok, maybe just most people. I hate the a-holes at work who are too f*cking lazy to do their jobs and come to me expecting me to do them. I hate Chinese-Water-Torture babies who have ear-piercing shrieks and whose parents don't put sound-proof helmets on their heads. I hate old people who drive 10 mph on the road, don't turn off their turn signals and can barely see over the dashboard. I hate MYSELF for my cowardess, cruelty and impatience.

I was still at work at 6:51pm this evening, hungry and tired, when Sparkle called to ask me if I wanted her to order something for me at the fancy restaurant she was enjoying. I curtly reminded her that my train didn't leave Downtown until 7:30pm and the earliest I could get to her would be 8pm. I should've said, "if I'm ever stuck in traffic school and you're having lunch with George Clooney, DON'T call me and invite me. Thanks."

Is it all people or just some who have no idea the impact their neuroses have on others? Slim Shady and his need to ALWAYS be the center of attention, Sparkle and her obsessiveness and smothering. I deeply, DEEPLY resent being the closest thing in my family to a rational human being...and yet, it doesn't help me, in the least, deal with Crazy. Fu-uu-uuuuuuuck. Someone put me in a padded room and leave me there for a few days. If reincarnation is reality, I'm coming back as a god damned tree. I'm done here.

"If you spoke as she does, sir, instead of the way you do, why you might be selling flowers, too."

It was pure luck that I got to go to two Giants/Dodgers games two nights in a row. First night better seats. Second night more action. Last night we sat in the "Barry Sucks" section of the stadium--far left field. They just wouldn't shut up about it. This

woman

, and I use the term loosely sat right near us and just WOULDN'T SHUT UP. She even started spouting some choice homophobic phrases from which I will refrain using. It's a miracle she didn't start witht he racist remarks, though she was surrounded by a multitude of latinos, so maybe she was smart enought to do that. Seriously, WTF? She also had signs, which were quickly confiscated that read "Barry Bonds Stole my Steroids". This woman put the "ass" in "class", let me tell ya. And I can write with absolute certainty that these people would be his new best friend if he were traded to the Dodgers. To be sure, the die-hard Dodger fan who caught Barry's 3-run-homer ball in the bleachers kept the ball.

I was feeling warm and fuzzy with the alcohol buzz when I thought "It's no wonder that a country like this could turn on a dime and decide that some country they've barely heard of is their enemy."

I'm done with real people today.

Life of Pam

I feel like my head's gonna explode today. Seriously. Actually yesterday was worse. I felt kinda like Large Marge when she show's Pee Wee what she looked like when she was dead. And you know what? Nobody cares. I learned that a long time ago. So I'm just gonna put on my standard shit-eating grin and go about my day. It seems as though the minute they decided they would give me the 6% raise they thought, "Now she's gonna have to earn her money."

Went to the dentist yesterday and found out that I have to have two of my root canals redone and one will be pulled, and replaced by a titanium implant-- well that's what it costs, they might as well. I decided it's the curse of the firstborn child to Scientology parents-- they get teeth like L. Ron Hubbard. At least mine aren't pointy, though.

"Gerald Ford, dead today at the age of [9]3."

Am I the only one who giggled about that when I read it in the news? It was, of course, the first thing that popped into my head when I read the headline yesterday morning. Such is the life of the woman raised by cable television. I later tried to find the video, came across the transcript, and FINALLY found the video. I sent it to a few people, including my roomie, who, as I predicted, quite enjoyed it. When I got home, NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams was on, and who do you think they pick to do the retrospective on Gerald Ford? Why, Tom Brokaw, of course. We sat watching and hoping...just hoping that he would say "Gerald Ford, dead today at the senseless age of 93," but no such luck.

Ok, so I don't know HTML well enough to make it look pretty yet, but here's the link.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-89770458144460734&q=SNL+Gerald+Ford

I was clever enough to remember it myself, but apparently not clever enough to be the first person to post it on Fark.com, sometime in the middle of the night before his death was announced.

So now that I've run that one into the ground...

Has there always been some unwritten rule that old people get to say whatever it is that they want, even if it's completely ignorant and bigoted? Do we let them get away with it because they're on death's door? Or is it to feign "respect for elders"? I was recently told by a coworker, who is easily in his sixties, that I looked better as a brunette. I also sit next to another woman who is in her late sixties, who pretty much says whatever she wants, including things like, "What an ugly couple". She's been at the company for many more years than I, so I just smile and nod.
I've also been present at a meal where my grandmother tried to explain the proper marital arrangement by comparing it to "a chief and an indian"...and yes, we were in public. It was lovely. When I explained how ridiculous this was to Connie, she, of course, didn't get it, because that is how she was raised. For fuck's sake.

No worries about the old guy though. Punk. I got my revenge when I announced in his presence that Rommy, governor of Massachusetts, was a fascist, because of his plans to run his presidential campaign including a national ban on gay marriage. I noticed his face contort and picked up the "old-school conservative" vibe pretty fast. Hehe.

"Year Without a Santa Claus", WTF?

I cannot express to you my deep dismay that Studio 60 wasn't on Monday, because NBC clearly lost some alcohol-induced bet and were coerced into airing a LIVE ACTION "Year Without a Santa Claus". That is the only explanation I can think of. It's not as if the original claymation version was not good enough. And they didn't even do anything cool with Harvey "Heat Miser" Fierstein and make his residence a gay disco with "hotties" dancing about. It looked TERRIBLE from the commercials-- I can only assume it was supposed to be children's programming (either that or for the same demo of people who find the questions on 1 vs. 100 difficult) , but what the hell was it doing on from 9-11 pm on a MONDAY. Kids aren't even on vacation yet. It's so sad that schlock replaced a show whose chief premise is that networks should have some sort of programming integrity.

Alrighty then...taking a poll: Should I send NBC a strongly-worded letter? If I do, will you?

"I know this obsession with thinness is unhealthy and anti-feminist, but that's what a fat girl would say."

Ok, I'm back, and my first order of business is to assert the utter perfection of The Simpsons. It is the greatest show on television, hands down.

Am I on Crazy Pills, or are all of the movies that are coming out now utterly syrupy and over the top? I thought this was when all of the Oscar-contender-type movies were supposed to come out. What about that new Matthew McConaughey movie? How many times are they gonna remake "Hoosiers" anyway? And then there's the new Will Smith. Sorry. I don't wanna go see a movie that makes me cry watching the preview. Lemme guess: Is there a scene in the movie where the cute little boy with the welled-up eyes and the cracking voice looks at his dad and asks, "But why did she have to die?" You guys have to let me know.

I'm very pleased that The Office is on tonight. It's like someone planted a camera in my head and watched my workday. The only difference is the boss situation. Everything else is exactly the same. But the names have been changed to protect the innocent. Needess to say I have gone online and ordered Dunder Mifflin mugs for some of my coworkers for Christmas. I would come home and tell my roomie, who writes for the telly, the stories from my work, and he would say to me, "You realize you work in The Office, don't you?" It makes me happy that the nation can watch my pain and laugh at it with me. The only sad thing is that I realize my life can be and has been reduced to 22 minutes a week. What the hell else am I doing with my time?...Playing Bejeweled I guess. It's like Crack, Man. Really.

Ok, that's all for now.
Love you guys.

"Why should I have to change MY name. HE'S the one who sucks."

My friend, Bananas sent that quote to me in an email. It made me think about Norman, and that perhaps I should adopt that attitude with him. It would be interesting. But I do like my new name. I think it's pretty. So there.

The day was interesting. I keep having these "Office Space" deja-vu moments at work, like, "didn't this happen to me once before? Oh, no. This is just like in that movie." Yesterday was the January Birthdays Cake Day, where everyone sings the half-assed version of "Happy Birthday" and all the names run together..."Happy BIRTHday, dear BobShawnRandyBlahBlah", they get a huge piece of frosting with cake on the side, and then they leave the remnants (cake, of course), all mushed together, on the table in the office lounge, just as though they were 5 years old.

Today I ended up in this situation I realized I never even agreed to-- going to buy flowers and arranging them to put out in the office for the big client coming in tomorrow. One of my coworkers tried to coerce me into getting my ass to the flower mart at 6 in the morning tomorrow, and doing the "arranging", which is, by the way, NOT IN MY FUCKING JOB DESCRIPTION, before work. I'm relatively new there, so I didn't know if it would be rude to say, "SHUT YOUR FUCKING FACE, UNCLE FUCKER." Thankfully I work right outside my boss' office, so all I had to do was turn around in my chair with a look of shock and awe and she came to my rescue. Thank Christ. Not ALL people suck.

I got a text message today that my girlfriend is in labor...was in labor. One down. I have about half a dozen friends who are pregnant right now, which I think is strange, only because I didn't imagine when I was younger that everyone would be having kids at the exact same time. I also didn't realize that we would have such different priorities. By no means do I criticize. I'm just surprised, that's all. I haven't heard anything from my friend OR her family since about 11am. I hope she's alright. I will be PISSED if they wait to tell me until next week about the baby. I'd drive up there myself, 400 miles, and get back my damned "Mazeltov" Zabar's basket, and eat it on the drive home. The whole effin thing. Even the coffee grounds.

Ooooh. What a day. Ok, kids. That's all.

Love,
Marvin

Finally!

It only took me a bloody hour to come up with a Screen Name that no one else had thought of. I guess that's why I was always so good at Family Feud.

I'm tired. I'm going to bed. Let's hope I don't forget my sodding password.